I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
