boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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