i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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