I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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