Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
