Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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