The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
