Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
how can u be prego again
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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