Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I have aggressive nipples.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
