Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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