I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
