she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize
