i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
