I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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