I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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