My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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