um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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