If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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