I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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