ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
