you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
