worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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