I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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