I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
