My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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