She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
