twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
