I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
