My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
