i already hear my dad disowning me
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Randomize
