i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
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Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
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My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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