I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
