I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
