there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Your cock deserves a montage
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
