We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Randomize
