remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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