Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
