Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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