I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
