Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
