my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
