i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
