you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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