Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
