I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
