At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The adults are the big ones right?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
