How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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