She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
