I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
