You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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