i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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