I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
