I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
