She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
